A Place in the Sun

 

“What television program has done more in the past year to keep the sanity of millions of Irish and UK citizens?  

What program has lifted spirits daily since lockdown began?”

“I give you” (blast of trumpets) A Place in the Sun! A program broadcast on Channel 4 and repeated on Channel 5.  “A Place in the Sun” has provided a whole hour every afternoon of pure escapism. While the rain hammered against our windows and we added more coal to the fire, we watched the presenters, dressed in summer clothing walking in brilliant sunshine and leading couples around towns, villages and properties in places as far afield as Bulgaria, Turkey, Tunisia, Spain, Portugal, France and the Canary Islands. They recorded the programs mainly in the off-season as the seaside resorts and towns were quiet, the communal blue pools deserted.  It gives the viewers a somewhat false sense of calm about places that would in peak season be jammed with holidaymakers. But do bear in mind that many of the people involved in the property search were looking to live all year round in such places so, on balance I believe it was useful visiting at those times of the year.

The program’s format is to present five properties starting with the weakest and ending with the strongest, ramping up the tension as one by one the properties fall by the wayside and the presenter talks animatedly to the camera, with ten minutes to go, of needing to pull “a rabbit out of a hat” with their final selection.  Nine times out of ten the property chosen is the fifth, which begs the question why bother to see the others but then you’d have no program and its part of its charm visiting several locations during each program, learning a little bit more about each of the areas we thought we knew.

The presenters come across as nice chatty knowledgeable people and the couples themselves are invariably people that go with the flow.  “Go off now and discover this one on your own” they are instructed and they duly shuffle off and do so. The presenters try to read how the property search is going and share a quiet word with the camera to keep us in the picture. It draws us into the presenter’s predicament and primes us for the next property to be seen and the reasons why it’s been chosen, a nice hook to keep us watching.

The couples featured are generally in their fifties or older. Many are seeking a property that can act as a holiday home for several years before they retire to live in a place in the sun permanently. Most sought extra space, a spare bedroom or two for visiting family members, children and grandchildren. Most sought places in towns or close to beaches often as one of them had mobility issues. Others sought cooler more mountainous locations so that they could grow their own grapes, olives and fruit & vegetables. 

I found that couple watching an interesting part of the program. How they related to each other and to the presenter. If one partner constantly spoke for both it gave a telling insight into their relationship. I also noticed that in male/female couplings, the male will never pronounce on rooms until the female does and then he agrees with her every time. It’s as if men are afraid to disagree with their partners, at least on camera. I’d guess that a frank exchange of views takes place off camera later, perhaps over a glass of wine that evening. But to focus on the humans and the properties they visit is to miss the “X” factor that makes this show so watchable and such a tonic to the soul.

The “X” factor is the programs ability to transport the viewer if only for an hour, to a land of bright sunshine, blue seas, sandy beaches and bobbing yachts. Places where small restaurants have tables with umbrella’s set outside, town squares feature ancient churches, fields upon fields of banana trees border the roads, promenades trace harbour perimeters and stretch beyond the camera and into the distance. Volcanic mountains covered with greenery tower over the villages below whose beaches feature black stones and sand. The scenery and the heat visibly present at the time of making the program yields us the spiritual benefit that a bottle of vitamin D tablets never could. We suck in the sun holiday mood, we imagine that sun on our bodies, we walk alongside them as they wander along the seashore. We are there when they sip coffee in a cafe or travel in small boats across crystal clear waters.

Yes, there is an additional bonus to be enjoyed in taking voyeuristic delight in seeing inside other people’s properties. Isn’t that kitchen a bit small, a bit narrow, a bit traditional, a bit modern or just a bit too far away from the dining room? Isn’t that private pool fab, weird shaped or just small? Would you want a plunge pool in your garden? Did you notice there was no grass in the garden? Did you see the orange grove that came with that place? Then a further bonus comes when the cameraman shares the views from their balconies, rooftop suntraps or outside cooking areas. It all adds to the pleasure of the program.

Anyway regardless of which property is the chosen one, we move to the program end game with the bidding process which though never a certainty tends to occur more times than not. The presenter relays the couples offer to the property agent and sits back with her mobile phone on the table waiting alongside the couple to see if it’s accepted. It’s at this point that the minds of some buyers appear to have become warped during the process of program making. They seem to lose sight of their original budget sum and will seem reticent to spend the necessary amount to get a property that has clearly been their favourite and ticked all the boxes. They enter a low bid, say forty thousand below the asking price, up it marginally by ten thousand and then say that’s your lot. We sit in amazement as they appear happy to walk away from exactly what they wanted with the seller’s final price well within their budget. “Nowt strange as folk” as an old English saying goes.  Alternatively we see instances where the buyers shoot low with an offer forty thousand below the asking price and to our astonishment the offer is accepted!

Regardless of the outcome of negotiations, the presenter then toasts her couple with glasses of freshly squeezed orange juice and wishes them happiness for the future and the credits roll. The credits themselves are revealing as it appears the programs were recorded in 2018 and 2019.  Due to Covid-19 and the pandemic program making didn’t occur in 2020 and the presenters were forced to join us for autumn and winter which must have driven them to add a few layers of clothing. Hidden away in the credits are given the GBP/EUR exchange rates which were current at the time of making the program.  I found this useful as throughout the show prices are given in pounds rather than euro’s and for us, in Euroland it’s useful to be able to convert to euro values as watching from a cold environment does make a place in the sun seem most agreeable.

 Is that it then?

No, for the viewers can garner one more lift from the program through the creation of uplifting thoughts that remain with the viewer long after the credits have rolled. Such as, with prices like those we’d just seen, if we really wanted to, we too could probably afford to buy a holiday or retirement home.

This dream is accessible to all. It just requires a mind flip and a strong desire to make it happen. The freedom this gem of broadcasting offers can last a lifetime.

Uplifting experience at sea

It is 7.00 am and we are sailing at 18 knots through rough seas off the coast of Africa. The ship's movement is not enough to knock a cup of coffee or glass off a table but it does make the wardrobe doors swing open releasing wheelie suitcases which roll out across the carpeted cabin floor crashing into the wall opposite. We, myself and Margaret, exit our room and walked along a seemingly endless corridor of doors.  Doors that were followed more doors, only differentiated by a single-digit yet united by the knowledge they were all even-numbered. The odd numbers were on the other side of the ship.  Onboard deck floor maps are posted on walls in the open areas, near the stairs and lifts as it is very easy to get lost on this gigantic vessel. Periodically as we walk, we pass openings on our right, options to turn inward but we ignore them and press on. Our destination is the self-service restaurant located in the very bow of the ship and up on Deck 12. The Oriel is a 70,000-ton feat of German engineering. Manufactured in 2002 and only refurbished last year it has two thousand passengers and eight hundred crew on board for this particular cruise.  

Occasionally, as we walk we have to adjust our centre of balance as the floor tilts upwards to the right and then down to the left.  Being up early this morning we are encountering no one, not even the cabin stewards with their trolleys. It would appear that the longer the cruise goes on the later passengers rise. As today is the third last day of this cruise I can understand the passengers' desires to squeeze every last luxurious moment out of the remaining days.  The cruise itself had gone very well and I felt that finally I could understand and relate to the cruise lines catchphrase “This is the life.”   

These words in the television advert were spoken by an actor in his mid-forties whilst resting on his elbows, leaning over the ship’s rail, wearing a white dressing gown and clutching a glass of freshly squeezed orange juice. Beyond him lay miles of sparkling blue sea and to his right, the ship’s bow was cutting a crisp clean path through the calm waters.  Who wouldn’t want to enjoy a life like that?  The image portrayed to me was one of luxury, elegance, and total relaxation. I concluded that he probably wouldn’t have looked quite so smug if they had filmed that advertisement today and on this ship. 

         Within a few minutes, we reached the final opening and turned into a large carpeted foyer. To my left, an open glass floor to ceiling window showed the ship cutting through the rippling snarling white-tipped waves while to my right three sets of lifts stood waiting with their double doors closed. Beyond the lifts, a carpeted staircase lay available for use by the more energetic of passengers. Above each lift were digital displays indicating the floor upon which, each lift currently stood. I hit the red button on the nearest lift to our deck, Deck 8 and seconds later with Margaret I stepped into the empty lift. Once in the doors shut solidly behind us. We’d ridden these lifts many times over the past fortnight, several times a day and I was thinking more of what I’d eat for breakfast than anything else when I pressed the control panel button for Deck 12.

Unusually though, instead of illuminating our destination button,  the whole panel just died. I tried to press it again but the panel just appeared as if it had switched off. Nothing I did now mattered a jot. We looked at each other and shrugged. “That’s odd,” said Margaret and she smiled a tad nervously. I smiled back and looked around for instructions on what to do next if your panel dies.

Suddenly with a jolt, the lift began to rise. I relaxed,  the panel was still dead but the lift had obviously remembered my request and we’d be heaping steaming hot sausages, rashers, tomatoes, toast and scrambled egg onto our plates in minutes. Up the lift rose past deck 9, past deck 10 and past deck 11 until it came to a halt on deck 12. We both moved towards the doors in anticipation of exiting but they remained closed. Margaret pressed and pressed the door buttons but got no joy. We looked around to see what else we could do. Then with another jolt, the lift took off again. Gathering pace it rose to deck 13 and then deck 14. I began to panic as I knew there was no deck 15 so I was bloody pleased when came to a juddering halt at Deck 14.

Then, without any instruction from us, the lift set off at pace downwards and gathering speed as it went. It hurtled down past the floors, 14, 13, 12, 11, 10, 9, 8, 7, 6 and was heading for 5. I suspected 5 was the lowest it could go, and it duly reached it with a shudder and we suddenly came to a terrifying death defying stop. We were both sent sprawling across the floor. Margaret cried out “Luke you have to do something!”

Before I could stand up, the lift had set off again. This time we travelled upwards which relieved me as the opposite direction would have lead to the sinking of the ship and our certain death. For the next few minute’s we sailed up and then down the lift shaft, passing floors without stopping and then reversing the journey time and again. All the while the ship was rocking and heaving from side to side. I was terrified but I knew I had to do something. Once I’d calmed myself down and had time to assess what was happening, I flipped open the metal cover in the lift wall and pressed the alarm button hidden inside. I could hear a shrill bell going off outside the lift but nothing else occurred and our terror ride continued.

Then in desperation, I remembered the small amount of morse code my merchant navy officer and sea experienced father had taught me.  I tapped out small patterns of morse code—dit, dit, dit, pause, dit, dit, dit, pause dit dit dit, on the alarm button. This is morse code for SOS – emergency help wanted – ship in distress but no one reacted. No call came from a control centre in the bowel of the ship or upon the ship's bridge where officers were on duty twenty-four seven. The loudspeaker within the lift remained stubbornly silent.

As the minutes passed and the violent lift movements up and down past the floors continued, our anxiety grew. I increased the frequency of the alarm button pressing until finally my finger was permanently on the button.  Margaret was in a panic. With eyes wide open, mouth poised in a silent scream, she stood ramrod straight, upright and jammed into the farthest corner of the lift. She felt around the smooth silver metallic wall for a handrail or something to grip onto but found nothing.  Eventually, the lift of its own volition stopped moving but we were still trapped inside it. I heard a voice from above shouting something to us but I couldn’t make out what he was saying. The lift remained static at deck level 5. A short while later, that seemed to us an age, a technician opened the lift doors and we stepped out shaken but okay.

"All out?" asked a voice from somewhere above us.

“Yes. It’s just the two of us” I answered. With that, a technician in overalls jumped down from the lift ceiling and joined us in the lobby.  He smiled at both of us and said, "I was walking past the lift when I heard your alarm bell.  I've been chasing this lift up and down the floors for the past five minutes or more."

It didn't inspire confidence. What if he hadn't been passing? What then?  I thought.

"There are loads of safety features on this lift," he informed us. "You would never have fallen to the foot of the shaft." I wasn’t so sure. We walked up the stairs to deck 12 and sat in the restaurant not talking just looking at the sea rushing past our window. Neither of us felt like eating so we settled for two cups of steaming hot tea. Upon leaving half an hour later we walked past the lift and I didn't see any, Out of Order signs. Not only that, the lift appeared to be continuously in use. I went directly to reception and made a formal report of the incident, verbally to an officer who typed as I spoke.

"Yes, we had reports from passengers of a lift sailing past floors without stopping," he confirmed.

 “I would have been reassured if, upon my pressing of the alarm button, someone in the ship’s crew had made contact with me via the PA system or from outside the lift as we have just spent a considerable period of time yo-yo’ing between ten decks unaware that anyone knew we were trapped in a lift with a mind of its own.”

He shrugged his shoulders. “I can do no more than register your comments, sir.”

“Well don’t say I didn’t try to warn you – that lift is a death trap!” I said loudly turning on my heels. With hindsight, given what happened next, I probably should have taken the matter further.

Above is an extract from Murder On Board – available now on Amazon – click here for link