Adult Cruises aren't what you expect them to be

The term “Adult Only Cruises” meant nothing to me until I accidentally booked one with P&O Cruises in January 2015. If you thought that the title meant there would be no children on board the ship you would have been correct. If you thought “Adult Only” meant that the cruise would be a 14-day sex feast that would put the early days of the Roman Empire to shame you would have been wrong.

The “Adult Only cruise” based on my recent experience not only excludes children of all ages but also almost all adults under the age of 50. The few under ’50s that were on the Oriana spent the first few days in a daze, wandering about the ship like lost sheep on a mountainside. The heavy drinking, loud dance music and late night partying they probably envisaged on a cruise to the Canary Islands (Gran Canarias, Lanzerotti, Las Palmas, Tenerife…etc) was replaced on this ship with afternoon tea served on silver service, ballroom dancing in the Harlequin Lounge to the Oriana orchestra and games of bridge where silence is good manners. Now, this is not to say that P&O Cruises miss sold the cruise. It’s more a case of a) the cruise being booked by older folks for their children or b) the passenger simply booked the holiday after reading the headlines and didn’t look at the detail.

We met a mid-30’s Welsh builder, ripped torso, tattooed and sipping on a can of Newcastle Brown ale in the Lord Taverners, the ships bar at about 10.30pm one night. He, watching his language out of respect for Wifey, explained that his wife had already gone to bed, bored out of her tree. His one joy was the gym where he worked out most days, just to keep in shape given the physical nature of his job. He managed half an hour in our company and exited via the door out onto the deck with an excuse that he was off to bed. He forgot his full bottle of drinking water so I had to follow him out onto the exposed deck and into the force 7 gale which damn near ripped the door out of my hand. I fought the wind following his steps and watched as he opened another door further up the promenade deck and stepped back into the ship’s carpeted foyer. I followed seconds later to find him repositioned at another bar. I thrust the bottle into his hand and he looked a little shamefaced, bless him. I didn’t blame him at all.

The average age of passengers on this cruise would be at least 70. It is primarily a cruise for those already deep into their retirement years. It’s a rare thing at my stage in life to be considered a youngster in any environment but I was on this cruise. At 59 years of age, I was mixing with my elders. My parents would have been right at home on this cruise. In fact, I constantly felt that I was cheating to be on this cruise. I was doing something I should rightly only be permitted to do when I had reached the retirement age of 66, 67, 68 or for some 69. It was like having a preview of my future life if I was lucky enough to live long enough to enjoy it.